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Guest article by Mike Korman
I’m Mike, originally from Australia. I made Aliyah in 2012 and now live in Israel with my Israeli partner. While my partner and I were spared the challenges non-Jewish immigrants face in the partner immigration process, I know intimately what it’s like to uproot myself from one country – and trying to set up a life here. I know what it means to try to build a life without the language, without friends, without work, without the culture, and with an aching heart missing my family who are all very far away. I also know the strain this places on an intimate relationship.
For almost 10 years I’ve been working as a couples coach. I work predominantly with couples of mixed nationalities, where one partner was born in Israel and the other (Jewish or non-Jewish) relocated here in order to build a life together. A lot of the challenges that these couples face are likely to be recognized by you. I’d first like to share these and then share some tips on how to navigate your reality and continue to build your partnership into one that you love.
Do you notice yourself or your partner in any of the following:
The emotional toll of living in Israel as a non-Israeli
Living in Israel can be emotionally challenging for everyone. However, for the non-Israeli there are unique struggles. Distance from your home and family, difficulty adjusting to the culture and language, living in a conflict zone, not feeling connected or fully welcomed by your partner’s family. Here these are just words on a screen, but each word carries with it a whole world of emotion.
The language barrier
In any relationship, communication with our partner around charged topics can be extremely difficult. This is far more the case for mixed couples, whereby expressing yourselves when emotions are running high in your second or third language can create even more frustration, misunderstanding, and distance from one another.
Over-dependence
The Israeli partner, with their knowledge of Hebrew, Israeli culture, social connections, and familiarity with everyday administrative tasks (like paying bills), is often relied on heavily by the non-Israeli partner.
This is natural, yet it creates an imbalance that impacts the relationship.
To be in a happy relationship we need a healthy sense of dependence on one another and also independence from one another. While this over-dependence can lead to a sense of care and connection, over time it tends to be a source of strain on both sides. Both partners want to support one another and to be supported by the other. This is a hard balance to strike.
Kids
This can all become exacerbated with the birth of children. Because of the increased demands that children place on parents, we become less resourced to communicate and relate to our partners. The things that annoy us can annoy us more. The tasks we supported each other with, we have less time and energy for. The already challenging aspects of our relationship become accentuated.
With all this said, being a mixed couple has many unique strengths as well (and being an Israeli-only couple has its own challenges, of course). Working through challenges together can create a wonderful sense of team and a deep belief that we can work through whatever else comes our way. This can be a tremendous source of strength. I imagine this is even more the case for you international couples.
Here are some strategies for strengthening and nourishing your partnership in light of the challenges mentioned above.
Tips for the international couple living in Israel (or abroad)
1) Make appreciations a regular practice
Spending some time, daily ideally, sharing genuinely one thing you appreciate about your partner can be an act that creates closeness and reignites a sense of love.
An appreciation can be something your partner said or did that had a positive impact on you. A quality of theirs that you really appreciate, perhaps with an example of when you noticed it. Or an acknowledgment of the effort or intention they are bringing to something in their lives.
Here are some examples:
“I just want to acknowledge how, despite everything going on in your world, you make space for me to share how I am.”
“I appreciate the coffee you make me every morning. It gives me a sense of relaxation and joy to know that you take care of me in that way.”
“I love seeing you with the kids. I love your playfulness with them. And I see how much they love it too.”
2) Becoming skillful at navigating conflict: Moving from wronging to longing
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. We are complex beings doing the best we can, and often we clash. However, we can learn to shorten the duration and frequency of our arguments and turn them into opportunities for more togetherness.
When conflict arises, our tendency is to blame.
Take the situation where one morning you open the fridge and see milk covering one shelf and dripping onto the shelves beneath. For many people, the initial response will be to imagine whose fault it is. Some people might start by blaming themselves (did I leave the milk open and on its side?), others might start by blaming their partner. “Did you use the milk this morning? You didn’t close it properly and it’s leaked all over the fridge.” Or their kids might get the blame.
Does this sound familiar at all?
This tendency to blame is really tragic. It’s tragic because we’re wanting something to happen, and yet instead of saying what we want, we often wrong the other person (or ourselves).
We need to move from wronging to longing.
This means saying what we long for, what we want. In this situation it might be that we just want to understand what happened. “I want to know what happened here so we can ensure it doesn’t happen again,” or “Would you be willing to clean this up at some time today?”
These statements are much more effective at actually getting us what we want, and they are healthy for our communication with our partner.
Here are some other examples:
Wronging: You should spend less time looking at the news
Longing: Could you put your phone down for 15 minutes because I’d love to share with you how my day was and enjoy your presence?
Wronging: You’re always doubting my intentions
Longing: I want you to see my intentions for a moment. Can you tell me what you’re hearing they are?
Wronging: Why do you always leave the tahini out on the table?
Longing: Before you leave the table area, can you just take a moment to pause, look around, and see if there’s anything that needs to be put away?
3) Acknowledging your partner
As mentioned above, there is this inevitable dynamic of one partner being the one that navigates the bureaucracy and everyday aspects of living in Israel. My wife is Israeli-born and I moved here fourteen years ago. As I was learning Hebrew and adapting to the culture (I still am), she helped me deal with the bureaucracy, taught me some Hebrew, helped me integrate into the way of life here, and provided me with emotional support (a loving ear and hug).
It was a lot, both for me and for her.
My best tip for this is to bring this up. Speak about this dynamic with one another. You might say, as the non-Israeli-born partner, “I know that I’m really dependent on you, and I imagine that at times it’s a lot for you to support yourself and me. Is that true?”
I remember the first time I was able to really acknowledge my partner as also being deeply affected by being in a loving relationship with someone trying to integrate into life in Israel. It gave her the sense of being seen for everything she did and continued to do. It was a real connector for us.
Another tip, for the non-Israeli partner, is to seek out support. It can be a lonely road moving here, and likely you are the one with far less social and emotional support. Find friends to talk to about what it’s like moving here. Otherwise, it will mainly fall on your partner, and this is too much of a load on the relationship. A partnership, when functioning well, is a wonderful support for both partners, but it’s not meant to be the only support. Both partners need to be supported elsewhere, which allows you to show up as your best selves in the relationship and gives you both more energy and space to simply do things you enjoy.
I’m Mike Korman. I made Aliyah to Israel in 2012 (at the age of 28) to live with my Israeli partner. Moving here was a rocky road for me and my partner, particularly the first five years. We live in the north with our two children. Since I was a child I’ve been interested in conflict and what makes relationships break down. Since 2017 I’ve studied therapeutic coaching modalities for working with couples. I’m trained in Transformative Couples Therapy (TCT) and Nonviolent Communication (NVC). I love working with couples and do so online and in Haifa.
Mike Korman, https://giraffespeak.com/coupleswork/
055-9661905 (click to open a WhatsApp chat with me)
